Making Sense of the Incomprehensible

The pain of losing a friend or loved one can be traumatic, even debilitating if the death is unexpected. In the wake of a sudden loss, mourners often retreat from society and contemplate what the deceased person meant to them, and eventually, ask the ultimate question: “Why did they have to leave?”

I recently read: Messages from the Masters, Tapping into the Power of Love, by Brian Weiss, M.D. (Warner Books) Dr. Weiss, a psychiatrist, has developed a body of written work documenting the controversial topic of past life regression. His essential premise is that Earth has been created by God as a learning environment and each human soul lives numerous times, acquiring knowledge that brings us closer to true enlightenment. His technique, spiritual psychotherapy, involves inducing each subject into a state of deep hypnosis during which they purportedly recount experiences from past lives. Invariably, the subjects return to waking consciousness with deep insight as to a problem or issue in their current existence. Dr. Weiss’ discussion also encompasses the idea that the capacity to love is in our nature as human beings, and that love is a universal energy which unites all things. I believe him.

On the other hand, life’s tragedies challenge that belief. Hugh Johnson was a wonderful a man. He was my son’s Godfather. In August 1989, he left Washington with Congressman Mickey Leland to go on a mission to an Ethiopian refugee camp. Before he was to leave for the airport, we stopped by to say goodbye and to give him some money to purchase African artifacts. Just before we got into the car to leave, Hugh asked me: “When is that baby due again?” (I was pregnant with my second child) I thought to myself: “Hugh we just talked about that” but I said: “November.” He said: “We’ll be looking out for that.” I remember taking an extra good look at him, and having a vague feeling of dread, but being a worrier by nature, I discounted it. The plane he was on disappeared in Ethiopia before reaching its destination.

After an agonizing week of praying and watching CNN around the clock, Patricia called to say that the wreckage of the plane had been found and that there were no survivors. Hugh, and 13 other people died in the plane crash that killed Congressman Leland. The babies he left behind lost something no one could ever replace. What was the deeper meaning of his death? What lesson did we all take from that loss? Even 20 years later, the ‘why?’ just escapes me.

In September 1992, my husband and I enrolled our then 4 year old son into a Washington D.C. pre-school. Our little boy appeared to enjoy the learning and socialization process well enough. The only other black child in Donald’s class became a special friend. DeVaughn was with Donald constantly. He was bright, bubbly, handsome and completely adorable. I loved him. Donald, DeVaughn, and my 2 year-old daughter Justine had marvelous play dates, spending hours talking, singing, role playing and all the other things little people do.

Then DeVaughn was murdered.

On a Sunday morning before I was to take Donald and Justine to see Dance Theater of Harlem, my husband came in the room looking stricken. Alarmed, I turned off the television and felt my mind break as he told me what happened and that the headmistress of the school called to alert him before he saw it on tv. There is no way to reclaim the piece of my psyche that I lost in the aftermath. I cried every day for weeks afterward. I cried for DeVaughn, that he was hurt and that he suffered. I cried for his Mom, who was also hurt in the attack. I cried for Donald and Justine’s lost innocence, knowing that they would always remember their friend and his loss.

I was angry at myself for not understanding that the life of a black child can be at risk even when it is sheltered in the coccoon of white privilege. In an attempt to sheild my son from the rugged truths in our world, we wound up bringing him to an ultimate truth: the life of an African-American male can be extinguished at any time and for no reason at all. The killer murdered more than DeVaughn’s body, he erased his future. There will be no football, or girlfriends, or college career for him. We will never get to meet his children or his wife. All we have are memories of his smile and delightful laughter. The memories really don’t satisfy or bring true comfort.

I still struggle with this loss. My son still struggles with this loss. He had DeVaughn’s birth and death dates tatooed on his arm on his 18th birthday. Unlike the subjects of Dr. Weiss’ book, I really can’t make sense of DeVaughn’s death. Maybe if I hadn’t loved him so deeply, I would have long ago put this memory away. Does that mean the answer is to love others less to avoid the pain of loss when they are gone? I don’t think so. But the pain and the questions persist. They always will.

My prayers are with Jennifer Hudson and her sister.

3 responses

  1. My husband and I did the math – we have averaged more funerals than most will ever have to experience in a lifetime. All before the age of 32. There is no rhyme or reason. And no real way to soothe the pain. you just learn to carry it, or, much worse, become deadened to it.
    I think I have done a bit of both.

  2. The is an excellent post on a delicate topic.

    Physical parting is painful but spiritual parting is impossible. All of us are a part of one thing, God, the Universe, one flowing energy, that pours through and expresses as each of us uniquely. Once we have breathed in and fully encountered and appreciated the energy of another, we are forever intertwined in it and it becomes a part of who we are. Death does not change or dilute that. The pain of separation that we feel stems from our habit of experiencing each other in common and physically definable ways. It is like the so-called, “phantom pain” that persists when a limb is removed. The physical limb is gone but the energetic limb remains and is in very real pain. The energy of our loved ones remains. We cause ourselves pain, because we experience their physical departure as loss. When there presence, spirit, and energy come into our awareness, instead of experiencing the pain of loss, we can choose to celebrate, commemorate, and re-express who they are (not were). Just as we experience God, without the need to physically touch a body, so too we can experience the energy of our loved ones, if we are willing and open to the experience. Nothing that God created can be destroyed, scientifically, matter cannot be destroyed. All things change. Just as your four year old became eighteen, we all grow, change and transition.

    The wife, the football games, the girlfriends and the college career, were your fantasies, not DeVaughn’s destiny. His destiny was perfect from the day it was conceived in the heart and mind of God. His work was done in the short time he shared and the benefits of his energy are likely phenomenal and unknowable. But your son does seem to know. Who can say what impact the death of his friend has had and will have on his life?

    I don’t say any of this to minimize or pooh-pooh the pain we all experience we a loved one transitions. I know it is real, because I too have felt it and felt angry with God because “good people” lost their lives for no reason. For my whole life my grandmother’s spoken prayer was that God would allow her to live long enough to see me graduate from high school. This good, very good, woman, died just one year short of that dream. It took me years to forgive and understand, and even longer to risk the pain of love again. But that is another story, for another day.

  3. a reason, a season, a lifetime… I always refer to this phrase. We will never know the true intent of our many encounters. You smile at someone across the street and have no idea of the hope you restored. There is no way to escape the feeling of lost. However, as long as you remember and act in the greater good, I think the purpose was served.

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