Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.
Zora Neale Hurston
For the past few months I have evaluated a number of romantic relationships in my life. Being the jump-in-and-drown type, I usually decide against playing it cool, so I fling all of my emotions against the wall, assuming some of them will stick to my opponent/object/victim, and accordingly, receive the messy result I deserve.
Relationships, when they work, tend to reflect a dominant positive trait shared between the couple that allows each of them to complement the other. In the good times, each person feels free to grow and develop as an individual while honoring the bond they share.
I had that once. At least I thought I did.
But then I woke up from the dream. I found myself tied to someone I didn’t know, who I found really didn’t like me very much. Or himself. Instead of complementing each other, we had really established a co-dependence on the appearance of a loving relationship. We portrayed the characters of Claire and Cliff Huxtable without realizing it and found ourselves adrift.
So what do I jump into next? My girlfriends say: “Hey, do you.” I hear that. ‘Doing me’ means I tighten up every part of my life; from new job/business, new house/living space, new parenting techniques and new relationships. I got it. I get it. I will pull away from the pier and set sail on a new journey in life, knowing that the ‘security’ of old relationships was just an illusion.
The task of cutting an undefined path is scary. A male friend challenged me, saying: “Don’t you want to see just how bad you really are?” Of course I do. But I also want to give an honorable sendoff to the protected, tradition-driven princess I used to be.